Inspiration or Perspiration

So...this is my first blog.

I am feeling awfully inspired to write lately. Actually, I have always felt an urge to write. The problem was...or better yet...IS...that I don't really know what I want to right about or what I want to say. But actually, that's not really true either. I have plenty of ideas...odd musings that are constantly rolling around in my head. Quirky turns of phrase. Rhymes that seem poetic. I even had (have) an idea for a play...which frankly if I ever got out of my head would be pretty damn funny...maybe even clever!

The problem has always been that I don't think I can turn the rantings in my head into something on paper that makes sense. It's the age old self-doubt issue rearing it's ugly head. Story of my life! And I guess the story of many of our lives...

So this brings me to the interesting place of what changed...why write now? And why blog where anyone can read it? What's different for me?

Well, honestly, lots! There are many thing happening right now for me....some good...some not so good. (Again...not so different from most everyone else!). I am sure that I will write about some of the things here. That's part of what this is about. It's a way for me to help sort things out...seek advice maybe...vent - absolutely...and mostly quiet the noise in my head by taking at least these words out.

But the main thing that is different is the inspiration. I am feeling (finally) the inspiration to write. I think it's a combination of things. Partly it's cause I am older and probably just care less about what people think! But it's partly to the inspiration I find in others. I recently met someone who inspires me in many ways....sort of feeds me in a spiritual way....which is a really good thing for me. And something that I desperately needed. He has a genuineness and a vulnerability that I want to emulate. This is a way I can do that.

But that leads to the absolute fear that I am feeling as I write this...literally sweating. Who is really going to care about what I have to say? All those self-doubt and self-worth issues are swirling around my head like a swarm of killer bees. (I am not sure how I know they are killer bees as opposed to the regular, law abiding bees, but I just know!) I am swatting at them, but they are aiming to sting me. And so, since I have watch many a cartoon in my day, I know that when you are being chased by a swarm of not-s0-nice bees, you have to jump in the water...all at once.

So here I am...jumping in! I am hoping that I don't drown. Some part of me knows that things are NEVER as bad as we imagine they will be. The fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself. I am choosing to believe that this will be true here. I will work on this blog. I will share my thoughts and ideas. I will welcome the thoughts and ideas of others. I expect that I will learn something in the process.

So when all is said and done, this blog is for me. It's a personal journal, a problem-solver, a soap box. And it's a milestone...a huge leap of faith for me. I guess what we'll all find out is now that I have jumped...will I fall or will I fly?